The Treasury has introduced a new “Cost Of Living Index” intended to capture the everyday reality of household budgets by measuring a simple indicator: the volume of the exhale made at the checkout.
Officials said tracking prices and wages had become “too number-heavy” and risked missing the mood of shoppers as they stare at a receipt like it has personally offended them. Under the new system, economic pressure will be reported in “Sigh Units”, supported by “Trolley Regret” and “Unexpected Basket Shame.”
The index is gathered through discreet sensors placed near self-checkouts. When a customer pauses, looks at the total, and performs the long exhale associated with reconsidering every life choice since 2014, the system records a reading. A brief head shake adds a multiplier; an involuntary laugh counts as an “acute episode.”
To prevent false positives, the Treasury says it has trained the sensors to distinguish a sigh of financial stress from the sigh produced by accidentally scanning the same cucumber twice. The model also accounts for the moment someone realises the loyalty price was conditional on owning the loyalty app, the loyalty email, and the loyalty spirit.
Ministers insisted the index would improve communication. Instead of announcing a fraction of a percent, updates will be delivered in plain language such as “the nation is now in a weary-but-managing phase” or “people are doing that thing where they whisper ‘fair enough’ to nobody in particular.”
The department confirmed the next revision will include a seasonal adjustment for the period when everyone buys one extra item because it was “only a pound”, and then spends the evening thinking about it.
