A newly expanded national outrage hotline has announced the launch of an “Apology Siren” feature, designed to alert callers whenever the country experiences a dangerous lull in public contrition.
According to the hotline’s spokesperson, the upgrade was necessary after operators faced “unprecedented levels of calm” during a recent afternoon in which no one issued a statement beginning with “I’d like to apologise,” followed by a completely different point.
The siren, which can be triggered automatically or manually by someone with a strong sense that they’ve been personally neglected by the news, emits a piercing tone that sounds like a kettle boiling inside a debate show.
“We can’t have gaps in the outrage schedule,” operators warn
The hotline said it had received confused calls from members of the public who felt “uneasy” after going nearly twelve minutes without hearing a demand for an apology “for something that wasn’t said, but could have been implied, if you squinted.”
“We’re a nation of routines,” the spokesperson explained. “Tea at four. A bit of telly. A totally normal argument about whether someone ‘should have known better’ despite nobody being able to explain what ‘better’ is. If that doesn’t happen, people start fretting.”
The Apology Siren is intended to fill those empty spaces by generating a fresh sense of grievance on demand, using a proprietary algorithm that scans the air for phrases like “tone,” “respect,” and “are we allowed.”
New alert levels include “Mildly Cross” and “Deeply Concerned For Some Reason”
Users can choose from a range of siren settings, including:
- Mildly Cross — a polite chime indicating somebody might have rolled their eyes somewhere.
- Deeply Concerned For Some Reason — a foghorn that suggests a “conversation needs to be had,” but refuses to provide a topic.
- National Emergency — a full studio-style sting played over the top of nothing in particular.
In the National Emergency mode, the device also prints a scrolling banner that reads: “QUESTIONS ARE BEING ASKED”, before admitting it hasn’t actually checked who’s asking them.
Apology templates provided for maximum efficiency
To reduce the burden on public figures, the hotline has released a set of pre-approved apology templates, including:
- “I’m sorry if anyone was offended, which I’m told they were.”
- “I regret the distraction this has caused from the real issues, which I will now introduce.”
- “This isn’t who we are, except for the bit where it is.”
Operators insist the templates are “not about sincerity” but about “keeping the national attention economy hydrated.” They clarified that the goal is simply to ensure that, at any moment, a viewer can feel the reassuring sensation of being rightly furious about something slightly foggy.
The hotline confirmed the Apology Siren will not be used to encourage anyone to do anything in the real world, adding that it is “strictly a vibes product” and should be treated with the same seriousness as a studio desk that lights up for emphasis.
