A policy think tank has unveiled a new national metric it says will “end the tired fight between facts and feelings” by scoring feelings as facts, provided they present themselves in a tidy spreadsheet. The group’s flagship release, the Evidence-Based Feelings Index, ranks common emotional reactions by “credibility,” “impact,” and “how confidently they can be delivered while pointing at a chart.”
The launch began conventionally with a glossy report, a lectern, and a promise to “follow the numbers wherever they lead.” It then became less conventional when the lead analyst introduced a bar chart that audibly sighed whenever the audience asked what the bars were measuring. “That sound is peer review,” the analyst explained, reassuring attendees that the chart was “just processing the question.”
Under the index, irritation scores highly because it is “widely felt” and can be deployed quickly in any discussion. Mild confusion is also up, described as “a flexible evidence substitute” that allows the speaker to reject detail without appearing to reject detail. Compassion remains in the middle of the table after being penalised for “taking too long” and “creating unnecessary context.”
The report includes a new methodological appendix titled “How We Know What We Know,” consisting of three pages of calming gradients and a single sentence: “We asked people what they already thought.” A further section attempts to bridge the gap between public debate and academic work by translating research summaries into phrases like “everyone’s saying” and “it’s just obvious.”
In a live demonstration, the think tank fed an economic forecast into its model. The model returned a number, then immediately replaced it with a stronger number because “the first one didn’t sound ambitious.” A separate “common sense correction” was applied to remove any decimal points, on the grounds that decimals “encourage nitpicking.”
Staff insisted the index is not anti-expert. “Experts are welcome,” a spokesperson said, “as long as they speak clearly, avoid caveats, and do not attempt to introduce additional data that could upset the trend.” The spokesperson added that the next edition of the index will include an interactive tool allowing readers to convert any statistic into a “gut-based headline” with one click.
At the close of the event, attendees received complimentary stickers reading “I Trust The Science” alongside a smaller note advising that science should be consulted “only until it becomes awkward.”
